


Do you love me?

by alisa_hua



Series: "Park JiHoon is someone I can't live without" - panwink short stories [1]
Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, side ongniel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 19:14:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13747491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alisa_hua/pseuds/alisa_hua
Summary: After seeing his cousin pass away surrounded by flower petals, GuanLin decides to not fall inlove.But fate is cruel to him, so he does.





	Do you love me?

GuanLin was ten when he saw his twenty year old cousin lying on the floor, soulless and surrounded by lilies. His family was suppose to visit his cousin that day, to celebrate his birthday but no one was prepared for what they saw. Two days later was his funeral, GuanLin's mom held his hand tightly as they watch the casket being lowered. Suddenly, there's a loud commotion a few feet away, he could see his aunt screaming at a young man who was crying on his knees. GuanLin slowly escaped from his mother's grip and ran up to see what the fuss was about. 

 

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know, I really didn't. If I had know -" the male gaps between his words.

 

"If you had know, then what? Would it have made a difference? Would you have broken up with your girlfriend and accepted yourself and my son?" his aunt snaps, voice roaring with anger and frustration. 

 

"You selfishness has cost my son his life," GuanLin blinks rapidly at the statement. He's never heard his aunty spoke with such venom, it scared it. 

 

A few hours later, GuanLin stared at the television in the living room, thinking about what his aunt said in the morning. The sofa tilts a little and he turns to see his mother who smiled at him warmly. He wonders if he should ask his mother about his cousin, would be a too sensitive topic? But his curiosity gets the better of him. 

 

"Mom, what did aunty mean when she said the guy was the cause of big bro's death?" he sees his mother flinch at the question. A few minutes of silence pass by, GuanLin's about to give up but his mother clears her throat with a pained look. 

 

"LinLin, do you remember when you first saw your cousin in his room? The flower petals?” he slowly nods

 

“It’s called Hanahaki disease,”

 

“Hana…haki?” he repeats slowly, trying his best to absorb the new word into his dictionary

 

“It’s when you love someone but they don’t love you back. When the person you love doesn’t love you back, you’ll start coughing up flower petals. But when the flower petals develop too much in your lungs, you end up chocking on them,” his mother ends warily.

 

GuanLin doesn’t say anything after that. Trying to understand the whole concept of the newly known sickness which had cost his cousin his life. The word _love_ repeating itself in his head. The spends the rest of his night on his bed, wondering how many people had passed away due to the same reason.

 

Three years passed, GuanLin has seen more and more people he’s known pass away. All of them always found in the same condition, covered with flower petals. It broke his heart to known that so many people had to suffer from unrequited love.

 

“Mom..” GuanLin whispered as they drove home. His mother hums in response.

 

“I’ve decided not to fall in love,” his mother doesn’t respond.

 

He looks towards the driver seat to see his mother with a worried expression. His eyebrows furrowed and there’s a deep frown on her face. He thinks that he said something that made his mother mad at him but she speaks up before he could apologies.

 

“And why is that, sweetie?” she asks with her usual sweet tone.

 

“It’s scary,”

 

“Scary?”

 

“The whole disease thing, it’s scary. People dying cause their love isn’t returned. It’s such a horrible and sad way to end your life. I don’t want to go through that. Coughing up flower petals, seeing the person I love fall in love with someone else, dying knowing that person doesn’t love me back,” he pauses, irritation bubbling up “Love is scary,” he finishes.

 

His mother doesn’t argue, simply agreeing with him. His mother has always supported him, GuanLin thinks. This time wasn’t any different. Later in the year, his mother announced that she received a job offer in South Korea.

 

At first GuanLin was a little reluctant to go. He’s lived in Taiwan for the past thirteen years, moving to a new country that he doesn’t know the first thing about scared him but upon seeing the excitement on his mother’s face, he decides to put away his fear and happily agrees.

 

When they arrive at the new apartment, GuanLin immediately runs to his new room. It’s a little smaller than the one he had back in Taiwan but it has a nice view of the city. He giggles in approval before running back downstairs to help his mom unpack.

 

Almost a year passed since they moved to South Korea but he was stuck between Korean language tuition and house chores. His mother told him that he’d have to enroll in school next year because everything that’s taught would be in Korean. They’ve discussed about sending him to an private school where they’d teach in English but the expenses were way over their budget and he didn’t want to burden him mother.

 

GuanLin quickly became friends with his neighbor, Kang Daniel. It was on his sixth month moving when he first met Daniel. The older was walking around the balcony with a bowl full of milk when GuanLin was walking home from his tuition. His face was filled with panic that GuanLin couldn’t simply ignore, he’d end up beating himself up upon why he didn’t help the other kid.

 

Somehow Daniel was able to understand GuanLin’s broken accented Korean and looked extremely excited when he agreed to look for Daniel’s lost cat. Apparently, the cat’s name was Rooney. They spent their day searching for the Rooney and getting to know each other, their happiness grew when they found out that GuanLin would enroll in the same school Daniel the following year.

 

Thankfully they were able to find Rooney before the Sun set. They bid their goodbyes before running off to their apartment, hopefully to avoid any nagging from their parents. During dinner, GuanLin couldn’t stop telling his mother how happy he was about making a friend after so long, his mother shared his excitement by telling him to bring Daniel over whenever he wanted to.

 

From then on, GuanLin would wait for Daniel in front of his apartment when he’s done with his Korean tuition. Sometimes Daniel would come back from school alone or with some friends who GuanLin later knows as Ong SeongWoo, Kim JaeHwan and Park JiHoon. GuanLin concluded that JiHoon was his favourite among all of them. The older would teach his new Korean words and perform cool dance move in front of him when JiHoon learned a new choreography. GuanLin always felt the happiest with JiHoon but for some reason, that scared him a little.

 

A full year passed and GuanLin’s standing outside, excitement rushing in his system yet a little nervous. He hasn’t attend a proper school system for about a year, will he be able to keep up with the others?

 

“GuanLin!” he turns around and locks eyes with his favourite hyung.

 

“JiHoon hyung!” he happily skips towards the older, engulfing him into a tight hug. The other returning the hug just as tightly.

 

“Why haven’t you gone in yet?” JiHoon asks as they walk through the school gate. GuanLin rubs the back of his neck with a shy smile.

 

“Just nervous I guess? I know it’s been a year since I moved but I haven’t really interacted with people other than you and the other hyungs.

 

JiHoon smiles fondly at GuanLin and nudges him “It’s nothing to worry about. You have a great personality, I’m sure you’d make friends in a flash. Plus, you have the looks, you’d probably get a girlfriend or boyfriend soon enough.”

 

At that, GuanLin feels his heart drop. He hasn’t thought about the topic ever since he sat foot in Korea but JiHoon’s harmless statement brought back so many concerns to his mind. He thinks about getting into a relationship but the memories of people dying of Hanahaki flashes through his mind and he immediately drops the idea.

 

“We’re here. Just find me or the others during lunch later,” JiHoon jumps a little in excitement. GuanLin looks up and notices that he’s standing in front of his own classroom. He gives the elder another hug before entering his class with a shy smile, taking only empty seat available.

 

Just like JiHoon said, he quickly became friends with his seatmate named Bae JinYoung. JinYoung calmly explains everything about how the Korean school system works and helps GuanLin whenever the Taiwanese doesn’t understand what the teacher is talking about something. The bells rings, GuanLin decides to invite Jinyoung to join their little group for lunch, which the other agrees happily.

 

“How was your first day, GuanLin?” JaeHwan asks when the two finally arrive at their table. There’s a few faces GuanLin doesn’t recognize but he doesn’t worry about that, he’ll get to know them sooner or later.

 

“It was okay. JinYoung helped me out a lot,” GuanLin motions to JinYoung who shyly waves at the rest of the group.

 

The group enthusiastically welcomes JinYoung into their group, getting louder with every chatter. JaeHwan cracks a few lame jokes every now and then, making the group roar with laugher. GuanLin laughs loudly, making eye contact with JiHoon who seems to be enjoying himself as well.

 

GuanLin spends the rest of his semester like that, studying with JinYoung, spending his lunch time with his favourite group of friends and he’d often walk home with Daniel who apparently can’t stop talking about SeongWoo. Somewhere in the semester Daniel and SeongWoo became a couple, GuanLin feels happy for his hyung that his love isn’t unrequited. He’d hate to lose another friend in his life.

 

Years passed and everything seems to be going well. His results are the best in his class, he’s made a good handful of friends and hasn’t fallen in love with anyone. He’s been spending most of his time with JiHoon, playing games together, hanging out at cafes or arcades and even having sleepovers. Daniel gets sulky sometimes when they hang out without him, complaining about how GuanLin was his friend first. Neither of the younger pay any mind, knowing that Daniel would always prefer spending time with his boyfriend.

 

There have been a few people who confessed to him throughout the years but he’s rejected every one of them. Praying that none of them were actually in love with him, maybe just a simple crush. Thankfully, none of them passed away and GuanLin feels a heavy weight lifted from his shoulders every time the confessor doesn’t spill flower petals. He’s confident enough to say that he’s accomplish his goal of not falling in love.

 

That is until one night after their mid-term.

 

JiHoon had just left his apartment after a study session, giving GuanLin a hug before running to his mother’s car. GuanLin could feel his smile creeping up his face, JiHoon always makes him feel something no one else could. They’ve talked about the topic of falling in love before, JiHoon agreeing with GuanLin’s view of refusing to fall in love. It never bothered GuanLin whenever someone says that they don’t want to be in love but for some reason hearing it fron JiHoon made GuanLin feel a little upset.

 

He’s about to head back to his room when he’s suddenly coughing vigorously.

 

His mother isn’t home; she has some extra work to do which leaves GuanLin to take care of himself. With every step he takes, his cough just gets worse, he feels like he can hardly breathe. When he finally enters his room, and lets out a final cough, he tasted something foreign in his mouth. He quickly tries to spit out whatever it was in his mouth and blinks when he sees a tulip petal fall onto the floor.

 

Panic and anxiety start to crawl up his throat, tears slowly pooling in his eyes. He feels a cough coming up so he runs to his toilet and his biggest fear comes true. A few tulip petals, three or five, fall into the toilet bowl. GuanLin takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down but fails miserably because when he closes his eyes, all he sees is JiHoon.

 

His breaks down in his bathroom, trashing around in anger, frustration and desperation. He hears the front door open, indicating that his mom just came back from work. GuanLin quickly covers his mouth with both his hands, hoping his mom can’t hear his cries and thinks that he just went to sleep.

 

After what seems to be forever, GuanLin weakly wobbles his way to his bed, burying his face in his pillows. He just hopes all of this was just a bad dream and that he’ll wake up tomorrow with no flower petals to cough out.

 

But unfortunately, he starts his morning by rushing to the bathroom to cough out more tulips. He punches the tile in his bathroom, he can feel the pain blooming and he’s pretty sure some of the skin is torn but he ignores it cause the pain in his heart and lungs were much more important.

 

He attempts to compose himself and gets ready for school, pretending like the whole Hanahaki disease isn’t implied on him. He walks downstairs to find Daniel already waiting for him with Rooney in his hands. They make their way to school, Daniel talking about random things like how cute Rooney’s sleeping pose is or how SeongWoo makes the best paper planes.

 

GuanLin tries his best to ignore focus on whatever Daniel tells him but he’s continuously distracted by his system that seems like it wants him to cough out new petals every second. He’s able to keep the petals in throughout his classes but it’s proven to be difficult during lunch. The second he sees JiHoon, who’s waving at him cheerfully from their table, GuanLin can feel a bunch of petal tempting to fall out his mouth. He quickly pushes past everyone and runs towards the nearest toilet, ignoring his friends’ cries for him.

 

He glares at the new scatter of petals as the flushes the toilet, groaning at the pain in his throat.

 

“GuanLin? You here?” Jihoon. GuanLin shuts his eyes tightly before opening the door, smiling as brightly as he could to JiHoon.

 

“Hey hyung, what’s up?” the elder stares at him with worry. GuanLin starts to feel uncomfortable, it’s almost like JiHoon was trying to read GuanLin’s soul.

 

“You kind of just rushed out the canteen. We were worried,” JiHoon mutters, placing the palm of his hand on GuanLin’s forehead but shakes his head when he doesn’t feel anything wrong with his body temperature.

 

They both walk back to their friends, assuring them that everything’s fine. GuanLin tries to act normal, he really does but it’s hard to ignore the worry glances JiHoon shots him whenever GuanLin coughs.

 

The next few months continue normally or as normally as GuanLin could try. It gets harder he realizes because he can feel that he’s slowly falling more and more for JiHoon which equals to the increase in the number of petals. He attempts to hide it from everyone the best he could but he knows that deep inside his heart that he’ll get caught one day.

 

It breaks his heart that it’s his mom who’s the first to find out. It happened when GuanLin was too exhausted to wake up to his alarm, he’d been coughing out tulip petals the whole night. His mother tried to respect his privacy by only calling him from outside him room but when he didn’t answer, she grew worried. She walked towards GuanLin’s bed, shaking the younger awake.

 

GuanLin blinks his eyes open, clearing his vision before speaking up “Mom, what are you-” right at that moment, he starts coughing. He can hear his mother gasp but the petals are getting stuck in his throat so he tries to cough them up harder. GuanLin looks up when he’s sure that there aren’t any petals left, he’s scared to look at his mother so he only stares at the petals on the floor. It’s like they’re mocking him.

 

“GuanLin.. who is it?” the boy doesn’t respond, only shaking his head as tears start flowing down his cheeks. She takes a deep breath before speaking up again.

 

“Is it JiHoonie?” at the mention of his name, GuanLin bursts into tears. His mother quickly hugs him, letting the teenager to cry his heart out.

 

After GuanLin calms down a little, she puts him back to bed, asking him when it started and if he has any plans on confessing to JiHoon. GuanLin only shakes his head as a new wave of tears make their way down his cheeks. She looks at her son sadly before proposing the idea of him pulling out of school for a while so that they can find another solution to the problem. He thinks about it for a while before agreeing, he could probably use the alone time anyway.

 

Away from JiHoon. His heart hurts but his mind thinks it’s the best action for now.

 

A few weeks passed by since he pulled out of school. His phone’s been ringing nonstop, calls and message from his friends asking him what happened and where he’s been. He’s seen all the messages, sadly most of them came from JiHoon. The elder’s left a few voice messages too which GuanLin would replay whenever he missed him.

 

His condition hasn’t improved though, only worsen. Maybe it’s his karma for rejecting all those people who’ve confessed to him, he thinks. He’s become a lot skinner now, unable to swallow anything because whenever he tries, the tulips come out. His skin has turned a lot paler, even the color of his lips has faded. There’s a doctor his mother hired to come and check up on him every three days, providing ivy drops and everything he deems necessary for GuanLin.

 

He’s about to fall asleep when he hears a knock on the door, he limps his way towards the door, thinking that his mother probably forgot to bring her keys.

 

“Hey, mom. Did you forget your- Daniel hyung,” GuanLin blinks in shock. Behind him, GuanLin can see SeongWoo looking at him with worry while Daniel looks beyond frustrated. He starts to panic. He’s not supposed to see anyone. No one’s supposed to see him. He tries to close the door immediately upon realizing the situation but Daniel’s reflexes are a lot faster so he’s able to make his way inside before GuanLin could slam the door in his face. SeongWoo sends the younger an apologetic smile before catching up to his boyfriend.

 

“Where have you been? Everyone’s been trying to contact you for weeks! Do you know how worried everyone is? Every time I come by and ask your mom, she’d say you’re in Taiwan with your cousins but I know when people lie and don’t you dare lie to me, Lai GuanLin,” Daniel snarls, making GuanLin flinch at the harsh tone.

 

“Daniel, please calm down. I’m sure GuanLin has his reasons, right Lin?” GuanLin brushes his hair back, the glares from Daniel feel unbearable. He opens his mouth to explain himself but fate hates him so he ends up falling on his knees, vigorously coughing out tulip petals.

 

SeongWoo’s quick to rush to his side, patting his back and holding him close. Once GuanLin thinks he’s done, he looks up to see Daniel staring at him in shock. His vision begins to blur and he can barely make out what SeongWoo’s telling him, only able to whisper a soft “I’m so sorry” before everything turns white.

 

GuanLin wakes up, noticing that he’s no longer in the comfort of his home. He looks around and sees his mom at his side holding his hand, she’s asleep so he doesn’t bother calling out for her. He takes another look around his surroundings, he’s in the hospital. There’s a sudden cough coming from his other side, it’s Daniel.

 

“So I heard from your mom,” he explains. GuanLin looks hums tiredly as a response.

 

“Why didn’t you tell us? Tell me, at least?” The younger ponders about it for a while. Why didn’t he tell anyone? It takes him a while to think of an answer but nothing comes to mind so he just shrugs.

 

“JiHoon’s worried about you, you know?”

 

“Yeah, kind of figured that out from all the texts and calls I’ve been getting from him,” GuanLin smiles thinking of the older, how much he misses him.

 

“Have you tried confessing to him?” Daniel receives a tired sigh as the question leaves his mouth.

 

“No but would it have made any difference? JiHoon hyung doesn’t like the idea of love. He told me so himself. What’d be the point of me telling him when I know what the outcome will be?” the older could feel his heart crack at the younger’s confession. How the younger sounds so defeated and just ready to give up everything. He doesn’t press on it any further.

 

A few days passed and GuanLin concludes the only thing he hates more than this ridiculous disease is staying in the hospital. It feels so lonely and isolated, two things GuanLin knows a sick person shouldn’t be feeling.

 

Sure, his mom, Daniel and SeongWoo are there to accompany him but rules are rules so when visiting hours are up, they’d have to go home. It’s at night when his throat burns from spilling out buckets of petals is when GuanLin wishes JiHoon was here. The older may be the reason why he’s here in the first place but that doesn’t mean GuanLin doesn’t miss him. It’s been months since their last contact and he can’t help to crave for the elder’s soft hugs, soothing voice and comforting words. He cries himself to sleep, wishing to see JiHoon one last time before everything ended.

 

“Sweetie, wake up. Someone’s here to see you,” GuanLin groans at the sound of his mother’s voice. He stretches a little to wake his sleeping muscles.

 

“Huh? Who is it?” He asks, no one other than the three know about his condition. He can’t imagine anyone else visiting him but when the familiar voice speaks up, GuanLin wants to cry.

 

“Hey, GuanLinnie,” JiHoon smiles warmly when he meets the other’s surprised expression. GuanLin’s mother looks between the two before excusing herself to give them some space.

 

It’s a little awkward considering how long they haven’t seen each other but GuanLin can safely say that JiHoon looks as beautiful as ever. They spend the next few minutes just staring at each other, JiHoon smiling at him while GuanLin just stares at the older with a confused expression.

 

“Daniel told me,” JiHoon speaks up, sitting on the bed. He reaches out to hold GuanLin’s hand, the younger lets him.

 

“Ah,” is the only thing he can say.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” there’s a hint of sadness in JiHoon’s tone and GuanLin can’t help but feel a little guilty.

 

“You said it yourself, hyung. That you don’t like the idea of being in love,” JiHoon’s about to reply when GuanLin starts to cough again. This time a lot more painful than every other combined. He can feel his body weaken and his vision starts to blur, JiHoon’s figure fading. He guesses that this is the end, that his last moments will be with JiHoon in a hospital talking about why he didn’t confess. What a horrible way to end a life.

 

Just as he’s about to close his eyes, he feels a soft pair of lips on his. They’re gentle, careful, almost as if the owner of the lips is afraid that GuanLin might break if they tried too hard. GuanLin opens his eyes a little, feeling some energy begin to soar in him.

 

He sees JiHoon and that’s when it clicks to him that lips on his belong to the love of his life, Park JiHoon. The elder pulls back after a moment with a moan, smiling at GuanLin with teary eyes.

 

“I love you too, you idiot. Please don’t scare me like that ever again,” JiHoon laughs, tears falling down his cheeks as the pulls the younger into a tight hug. GuanLin can feel his lungs clearing up, colour coming back to his face and his heart blooming with happiness. He hugs JiHoon back just as tightly.

 

“I love you so much, hyung,” GuanLin smiles.

 

Maybe GuanLin likes falling in love. Especially if that means falling in love with his favourite person, Park JiHoon.


End file.
